Assorted Jokes

[Ca$hed]

Gynecolgist Assistant
A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That's about 616 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?",

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now."
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Baby Sitting
Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"

Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!" With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Here you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do? How did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up".

The father's jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!" Little Johnny said, "why not dad? You screw mine!"
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Mongolian Vd
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely ware disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
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Bozo's Big Beautiful..
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

"Great!" replied Bozo. "How much do I have to pay?" he asks.

"One thousand dollars for the food."

"But I haven't touched the food."

"It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."

"But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!"

"It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."

"But I slept on the floor!"

"It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."

"You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey."

"But sir, I didn't screw your donkey."

"It was there. You should have!"

[Venom]

aha lol